1. I’ll just eat a small portion, cause i want to be as low on calories as possible.
Well I figured you’re supposed to eat right? It’s good for you. You NEED food in your body to survive. So I’ll just eat as little as possible to keep going. Just so people don’t think I’m not eating.
2. Okay well it’s really good and if I fill up now then I can skip my next meal.
Once I started eating it was hard to stop. Everyone else was continuing to eat! So if I eat a good sized meal now, it should be enough to keep me from eating later on. This will hold me over for a while.
3. Wait there’s dessert?
Oh god. Dessert. My weakness. 4. I don’t need dessert… I’ll just be upset if I eat it anyways…
5. But I deserve a little dessert every now and then.
If it’s front of me.. I’ll pretty much think of any excuse as to why I SHOULD eat it.
6. Oh my god, why did I just eat that? I thought I was strong enough to resist?
The regret. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it… I didn’t want to eat it… But it was there. It was in front of me. I KNEW how good it tastes. I get this idea in my head that desserts are what make me happy. Also, I don’t want to be THAT girl that doesn’t eat dessert.
7. I HAVE to throw it up. There’s no other option.
The fact that I just summed up all the calories in my head and thought “wow I am WAY over my daily intake”. It’s the only way to pay for what I did.
8. Well if I’m going to throw up anyways I might as well enjoy this meal and eat everything in sight.
I already made the decision that I’m going to ‘purge’. So might as well eat literally everything I can. 6 cookies? 3 sodas? You name it. If it was there I took as much as possible. If I’m going to be throwing up I might as well go all out and enjoy whatever I can.
9. Throwing up is painful, but I got to eat everything I wanted (and actually didn’t want but ate anyways).
Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten everything I saw… Because sticking a spoon down my throat wasn’t enjoyable. It also takes a while. I wonder if my friends/coworkers or whoever I was with noticed how long i was gone? Oh god, what excuse should I say? There was a line? I got lost? I got caught up talking to someone?
10. Okay, so no more food today. This is the last time I’m going to throw up.
I’m so done throwing up and buiging on food. My throat hurts. You know, eating all that wasn’t even that enjoyable. I’ll start working out instead! And limiting my dessert intake, and calorie intake. Healthy and fit!
11. Am I hungry now, or just bored?
Are you KIDDING me? Is that my stomach growling? Am I just bored and naturally reach for food? What does being hungry even feel like?
12. Well I think I’m actually hungry and I’ve read a ton of articles that it’s good to eat a lot of times during the day to keep your metabolism going.
And this is when I tell myself just to eat a small portion. To drink a big cup of water to make me feel full… This is also when I go back to step 1 and repeat this cycle all over again…
Disclaimer: This thought progress is NOT the same for anyone who is struggling with an Eating Disorder. It’s different for everyone!
An Open Letter to the Girl with an Eating Disorder
I didn’t tell you that I knew, in fact I didn’t know how to bring it up in conversation or even if I should. All the signs are there, even when you try to hide it, I see through them all. And while I can see past things, like the small bites you eat, or some days never eating, or running to the bathroom after every one of our binging meals, I wish only one thing for you, that you saw yourself the way I did. To me you are so beautiful. I aspire to be more like you, when we go out everyone is looking at you; I’m lucky if I have two matching socks on. I think of you on my long runs and I wonder what you could possibly see in the mirror looking back at you? I wonder how long it has been going on? I wonder about the guilt I know you feel when looking at food? I wonder what you think when your stomach is talking at night and I pretend not to hear. I wish I could help you. I wish I could get rid of those voices in your head, which tell you, you aren’t good enough. I wish I could slap the person in the face that has ever made you feel inadequate or not pretty enough. To me you are beautiful, but I know like all disorders this is an internal battle between you and yourself. There is nothing I or anyone could make you do until you decide to change your life.
I worry about you often. I worry if you are hungry. I worry if you have had enough to eat when we are out drinking or if you will fall and only I will know why. I worry about your heath and your body possibly shutting down due to lack of nutrition. I worry about the phone call I’ll get if you end up in the hospital. I worry about having to explain that I have known all this time but I didn’t know how to go about it. I worry about your happiness. Do you think 10 more pounds will bring you happiness or will it be a continuous cycle of losing more until you can’t?
I know what it feels like to not feel good enough. I know what it feels like to step on a scale and be disappointed at the number looking back at you. I know what it is like to look in the mirror and wish you saw something different. I know what it I feels like to be nervous to go out to dinner, and you think about calories consumed and the shame you feel for consuming them. I know what it feels like to be your own worst enemy.
But I want you to know to me you are good enough. To me you look perfect. To me I admire the will power you posses, but I wish you channeled it into your life in a healthy way. I can tell you until I am blue in the face that you are good enough but I know you still will be insecure, I wish I could change it. But I want you to know one day if you ever want to talk about it, one day if you ever want to change your life, one day if you ever need somebody to tell you how beautiful you really are, I will always be here for you. I wish you happiness, self-love and a successful life not being controlled by a disorder and when that day comes and you want to cross that bridge, I’ll hold your hand as we do so together.
To My Eating Disorder: A Letter Of Love And Hate
Dear ED (Eating Disorder),
I honestly don’t know where to start…
You have taken so much from me over the years:
My friends, my family, my health, my happiness, my mind, and my body.
But most importantly, you’ve taken away so many years of my life that I will never get back…
You robbed me of so many experiences and so many relationships.
Your obsessive ways made me spiral out of control.
I would spend my entire day waiting for my chance to workout and my entire night avoiding food and reading health and fitness blogs.
I spent hours at the gym and only mere minutes with my friends…
I isolated myself because of you, ED.
You repeatedly told me that I didn’t need friends, that having friends would make me “fat.”
You told me to stick to my food rules, stick to my workout routine, and stick to my goal of becoming “the skinniest.”
You promised me that this would lead to happiness, but you lied.
That isolation lead me to depression, which made me turn to you even more.
I thought you were my saving grace, but I was wrong, you were my destruction.
People always say that eating disorders stem from the need to be in-control, but ED — with you — I had no control at all…
It was your world, and I was barely even living it…
Actually, I was dying in it.
Lack of blood flow, slow heart rate, dizzy spells, malnutrition, brittle bones, and more.
You were going to kill me.
It’s here that you would expect me to say, “I hate you.”
And if this was a year or two ago, you would be right!
But today, I can’t say that I hate you, because that would be a lie.
I finally have my life back, and a purpose in it too.
I am passionate about helping others fight this battle, I am passionate about helping others become aware.
I am driven to experience life and be present in the current moment.
ED, I am a better person because of you.
My brain works differently now.
I am hyper-aware of the fact that some of the most challenging things us humans face, are our internal battles.
Most of these battles are not visible, but that doesn’t make them irrelevant.
My heart has grown and my morals have changed.
I am the first to stand up for anyone being bullied, made fun of, or treated inappropriately.
I am the first to speak up when someone is being belittled.
And, I am the first to offer my hand and my friendship to anyone in need because I have been there myself.
So thank you ED, for the torture and pain you forced me to endure, that lead me to find peace and to discover that life is beautiful.
ED, you taught me to be a fighter.
To fight for what I deserve — a life worth living.
You taught me to never give up, and to never back down.
You taught me that fears are meant to be overcome.
And, because of all this I am grateful.
However, you and I never really parted ways. There are still some days when you and I are one.
Days in which the body image takes over my mind and the disordered thoughts resurface.
For now though, we’ve been doing pretty well.
We bump into each other once or twice every two weeks, and I’m hoping to make our “visits” a little less frequent in the future.
But, I think we both know that no matter how far apart we may go, there’s always a part of you within me.
But this time, that place is not in my head, this place is in my heart.
I will never forget you ED, for you have changed my entire life.
9 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl With an Eating Disorder
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, so don’t assume you know someone’s story before they’ve told you it themselves.
People who suffer from eating disorders can’t just, “get over it.” If that were the case, it wouldn’t be called a “disorder” now would it?
For any of you dating one of these brave, strong girls, here are a few things you should know…
1. Just because she’s at a healthy weight, doesn’t mean she’s “cured.”
An eating disorder is more mental than it is physical; the outside tells you nothing about the battle within. The body-hate and overwhelming fear of losing control will always be – on a good day – in the back of her mind.
So if you catch her staring at the menu with fear in her eyes, just place your hand on-top of hers, and remind her that you’re here for her.